She was the one who waited patiently for you to come around, to finally give yourself to her completely and realize that she's the one for you. She was the one who supported you in
everything you did and you just took her for granted. Now you've lost her and you regret not being able to tell her how much you cared for her and how much you loved her. Now it's
too late for could haves, would haves and should haves.
You probably thought that she would never even think about leaving you because you knew she loved you with her whole heart. You probably thought that she will stick by your side
and that you still had time to have some more fun. She may be patient, but she's not a fool, she wasn't going to wait for you forever. She's proud and strong and she knows that
she's worth much more than you gave her credit for. She mustered the strength and walked away, even though she loved you truly. She just couldn't take your lies and excuses anymore and
she couldn't wait for you any longer.
She was naïve enough to think that you will change over time, that you will realize she's the best thing that has happened to you. She gave you all the chances she could but you
just took her for granted. All she did is believe in you and your love, and all you did is fail her trust each and every time. Time and time again she forgave your misgivings and
she hoped that there will be no next time. She hoped that this will be the last time you've caused her pain and that you'll finally give her the respect that she deserves. But
time and time again she was wrong. That day never came and she just couldn't wait for it any longer.
She walked away and never looked back and there's just nothing you can do to change it. She will no longer tolerate your egoistic nature, your insecurities and your foolishness.
She will no longer sacrifice herself for someone who doesn't appreciate her, for someone who doesn't know how to express his love, for someone who hasn't matured yet. She will no
longer accept your lies and deceptions because she knows that she can have something much better. She knows that she deserves something much better, something that you will never
be able to give to her.
She may be hurting, she may be in pain, but once the crying is over, she will pick herself up, dust herself off and carry on with her life. She will wipe away her tears and promise
herself that she will never cry for you again. She will never let anyone else treat her badly again.
Now she starts to live again. Now she starts to love herself again, to reinvent herself and to rediscover her passions. She is finally free of your negativity, of your toxicity
and she can live life to the fullest again. She can enjoy the little things, she can be happy and she can search for her soulmate. One day she will find the person who will light
up her eyes and fall madly in love. She will love again and she will be loved the way she deserves.
You'll regret losing this beautiful, amazing woman who was ready to give herself to you completely. You'll regret losing this one-of-a-kind woman who was ready to be your partner and
to spend her life with you. She was going to give it all to you, but you just didn't know how to cherish her.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.
--Constantine P. Cavafy
I've read these consoling words many times, finding curious ambiguities in them ...
Gibt es dieser Tage noch Heimweh? Ich meine, mit GOOGLE kann man doch überall in der Welt sein ohne den Komputer zu verlassen. Ich schaue mir öfters die facebook-Gruppe Stendal - Meine Heimatstadt an obwohl Stendal mehr meine Geburtsstadt als Heimatstadt war denn wir gingen von dort gleich nach dem Krieg in den Westen. Kürzlich fragte ich auf der facebook-Seite "Hat jemand ein Bild von der Weberstrasse 4 ? Das war mein Geburtshaus" und ein netter Stendaler, der Jörg Hosang, schickte mir dieses Foto:
Als ich ihm dann mehr von mir und meiner Auswanderung nach Australien erzählte, schrieb er: "Man, dass hört sich sowas von interessant an. 👍Das ist eine sehr gute Geschichte, die man auch in die hiesige Zeitung bringen könnte."
Nicht so schnell, Jörg, denn das geschah schon als das Stendal-Magazin die Geschichte veröffentlichte und ich für sieben Folgen - vom Dezember 2014 bis Juni 2015 - "berühmt" war.
In meinem Auswanderungsrückblick schrieb ich u.a.: "I will always remember one of my cabin-mates, a young butcher from Berlin, who was constantly dressed in a fishnet-shirt (to solve his laundry problem, as he put it, and which left an interesting tanning pattern on his upper torso). Nothing seemed to bother him much; not our uncertain future nor the English lessons which he had dispensed with in favour of the bar. As far as he was concerned, if things didn't work out he could always commit suicide! An interesting outlook on life, to say the least, and the solving of one's problems. I have sometimes wondered how he ended up?"
An den Namen dieses jungen Metzgers konnte ich mich gar nicht mehr erinnern obwohl er mir seit Jahren ins Gesicht gestarrt hatte denn er war auf der selben Seite des 'ships's manifest' wie ich: "DAVID Gerhard, Berlin, S/UN (single/unaccompanied), geboren 27.12.42, 22 Jahre alt, butcher".
So, wie erging es ihm nach der Auswanderung? Ist er noch in Australien, oder ging er zurück, oder tat er was er sagte er würde machen falls alles schief ginge? Frag' 'mal GOOGLE - und hier ist er (vielleicht!?): www.dastelefonbuch.de/Personen/Gerhard--David/Berlin--Zehlendorf.
Eine Postkarte ist es schon wert um das herauszufinden. Jetzt warte ich auf die Antwort.
Noel Butler at his saksak house just outside Wewak, taken by Brian Herde at Christmas 1975 when we visited Noel just after I had returned from Burma and before I headed off again to Iran in early 1976.
Back in the days when you almost needed to take out a bank loan to pay for a long-distance telephone call, it wasn't often that I could afford to call my old friend Noel Butler.
He had left New Guinea some time after me but, unlike me, not by choice but with great reluctance as he had always thought to see out his days in New Guinea. Alas, the many years away had made him unsuitable for life in his native Australia and he felt isolated and lonely.
Hearing me ask him, "May I speak to the butler of the house?" always resulted in a yeah-I-am-pleased-to-hear-from-you chuckle, even though the time spent on the phone was never long enough. While my budget wouldn't stretch to more than (say) a monthly phone call, we kept up a regular correspondence until his sudden and unexpected death in 1995.
I was suddenly reminded of this when a kindly soul in Norway, Kåre Vaksvik, emailed me "Is this the correct email address to Peter Goerman ? I have some information that might be interesting for you about Noel Butler
- how I met him in Stratford-on-Avon 1957, and some letters and pictures. Some years ago I googled 'Noel Butler, LAE'. The first 'hit' was yours 'And thereby hangs another tale'! Please let me hear if this is your correct address."
And so it came to pass that I received the following photos and letters which allowed me to piece together something of Noel's past because somehow we had always been far too busy and living too much in the moment to talk about what must have been an interesting past for Noel who came to New Guinea as a soldier in WWII and then remained to try his hand at almost anything, including growing coffee in the Highlands.
Noel Butler, Dept. of Works, Lae, Territory of New Guinea, 19/1/58
Dear Kare
You have no idea how pleased I was to receive your letter which was waiting for me when I got back to New Guinea. Thanks also for the photograph. It takes me right back to Bearley at Stratford-on-Avon. I really enjoyed the couple of weeks I spent there and also the people I met.
About my trip, Kare, I had some bad luck. My motor bike just did not seem to be good enough for the trip. I got as far as Split in Yugoslavia, and there I had a lot of trouble with the engine overheating which damaged the engine bearings. I could not get any parts for the bike in Yugoslavia, and as I did not think it was in good enough order for the long journey ahead, I rode back to Italy where I was able to get it fixed up in Trieste. By then my passport visa had expired and I could not re-enter Yugoslavia, so I rode back to England, and later ...
... caught a ship to Australia. I was very sorry to have to turn back as I would very much liked to have done the overland trip.
I did see some of Europe which was all very interesting and strange to me. The route I took was London, Paris, Strasbourg, Stuttgart, Munchen, Salzburg, Villach, Rijeka, Split, Trieste, Venitzia, Pisa, Genova, Nice, Lyon, Bruxelles, Oostende, London, so at least I did see a little of Europe, and enjoyed it very much.
I do hope to return one day and see some more of Europe especially Denmark, Norway and Sweden.
I would certainly like to take part in some skiing and skating. The only time I have ever seen snow was on the Alps in Austria. Now that I am back in the tropical heat of New Guinea England and Europe seem very far off lands. I do not think you would know much about New Guinea in your country, although I think since Holland is having a ...
... dispute with Indonesia over the Dutch half of the island, many more people will have heard of New Guinea. I do not think the Indonesians have any chance of getting it. Mostly the population here is black, and very primitive, some of them even head-hunters but that is in the interior. Lae only has 1500 whites. I have only been back in Lae two weeks. Just now I have no pictures of New Guinea, but I will take some and send them next time I write.
I saw Sputnik II go over Sydney. I had no trouble finding the town of Alisund on a map of Norway. I had heard much about your King Haakon and was sorry to hear of his death. I believe he used to even play tennis. We are very interested in sport in Australia, most likely because we have so much sunshine. I did not like the weather very much in England, but I believe you have plenty of sunshine in ...
... Norway. In New Guinea there is no change of seasons just hot all the year round about 87 degrees Fahrenheit, and very heavy rains.
I will close now wishing you all the best for 1958. I must say your English is very good. I have a few colour slides of New Guinea I am enclosing. You may even have seen them at Stratford-on-Avon.
Cheers and all the best.
Yours sincerely,
Noel Butler.
N.J. Butler, c/o Sub District Office, Wewak, New Guinea. 10/1/62
Dear Kare
It was a very pleasant surprise to be hearing from you once again. Thanks very much for the excellent Christmas card. I feel as if I could do with some of that cold Norway weather. The heat here has been just killing lately. Around the 100 degree F. every day with almost a maximum humidity. The only compensation is that Wewak has some good beaches, so I generally cool off with a swim each day.
I have only been here a few weeks. I think I was at Lae with Dept. of Works when last we exchanged a letter. I had some ups and downs since then. I resigned from my job early last year, ...
... and bought a block of land on the New Guinea Highlands and started planting coffee. I rather enjoyed that life, and the township, KAINANTU, where I have the block, has a very pleasant climate, being situated at an altitude of 5,500 feet. However, its the same old story. I ran out of money and have had to return to work. However, I still hold the land which has about 8,000 young coffee trees growing on it ...
(Noel was well ahead of his time. Today Kainantu is PNG's coffee-growing centre)
... The job I have here is only very ordinary. I look after the native labour compound for the governments. That means feeding, and paying and generally acting as nursemaid to just over 200 natives housed in the compound.
Wewak (population 500) is the chief town of the Sepik district, and exists solely as a government post.
The whole district which is about the size of England produces nothing except what the 145,000 natives eat themselves. The district has the second largest river in New Guinea, the Sepik, which is always mud coloured, and small ships sail it for 500 miles. Some of the natives along the river are famous for their carvings.
Am enclosing three colour slides which are a pretty poor lot.
Have you been to England again on holidays, or do you go to some other part of Europe. I would certainly like to do a trip over there again, but I think I am more likely to go to Japan in the next year or two.
Well, Kare, I will close off now, wishing you all the best, and hoping for a letter from you.
Sincerely yours, Noel Butler
Two letters and a couple of Christmas cards, all in Noel's impeccable copperplate handwriting and mailed after he had failed in his coffee-planting in the Highlands and joined the Department of Works in Lae before later working for them at Mumeng and then moving to Wewak. And here are the colour slides - remember colour slides? - which Noel had enclosed with his letter.
And how wrong was his comment "... Holland is having dispute with Indonesia over the Dutch half of the island ... I do not think the Indonesians have any chance of getting it", just as most "oldtimers" never expected Papua New Guinea be granted Independence so soon!
And here are the photos Noel received from Kåre:
Kåre at the Bearley Agricultural Holiday Camp in 1957
A group photo at the Bearley Agricultural Holiday Camp with Noel, aged 37, on far left
It was so typical of Noel to have stayed at the Bearley Agricultural Holiday Camp as he did all his travelling on the cheap, not only because he never had much money but also because he would have felt ill at ease hobnobbing it in some fancy hotel. Just to see what this "holiday camp" was all about, I tracked down this video clip:
What a pity Noel didn't stick around long enough to experience the internet - he barely managed a small black-and-white television and never saw a computer, fax machine, video machine, CD- or DVD-player, let alone today's smartphone - and connect up with old acquaintances like friendly Kåre who must be an exceptionally nice guy to have taken all this trouble to send me these things from far-away Norway.
Ich wanderte im Jahre 1965 vom (k)alten Deutschland nach Australien aus. In Erinnerung an das alte Sprichwort "Gott hüte mich vor Sturm und Wind und Deutschen die im Ausland sind" wurde ich in 1971 im Dschungel von Neu-Guinea australischer Staatsbürger. Das kostete mich nur einen Umlaut und das zweite n im Nachnamen - von -mann auf -man.
Australien gab mir eine zweite Sprache und eine zweite Chance und es war auch der Anfang und das Ende: nach fünfzig Arbeiten in fünfzehn Ländern - "Die ganze Welt mein Arbeitsfeld" - lebe ich jetzt im Ruhestand in Australien an der schönen Südküste von Neusüdwales.
Ich verbringe meine Tage mit dem Lesen von Büchern, segle mein Boot den Fluss hinunter, beschäftige mich mit Holzarbeit, oder mache Pläne für eine neue Reise. Falls Du mir schreiben willst, sende mir eine Email an riverbendnelligen[AT]mail.com, und ich schreibe zurück.
In der Zwischenzeit, falls Du mein Blog in der englischen Sprache lesen willst, besuche mich At Home at Riverbend.
