Should I have been a real estate salesman?

 

 

I may print myself new business cards. Instead of saying "I'M GOOD WITH NUMBERS", they would read, "I know absolutely nothing! But instead of becoming a politician, I became a real estate salesman".

What prompted me to make this decision? Well, look at my recent result: having rejected his offer on "Riverbend" - click here - the prospective buyer swallowed my email, hook, line and sinker, by quickly replying:

 

"Good morning Peter, I would like to thank you again for showing me around your lovely property and I would also like to thank you for your email and your quick response. I completely understand your rejection of my offer however I would be happy to negotiate a little further. I would also like the opportunity to have another good look around if my offer is considered. I would like to raise my offer to $3.15 million. I look forward to hearing from you after your consideration, I would also like to offer help in relocating you as I have 2 trucks and the manpower to make a easy transition for you both if you decide to except my offer."

 

My reply? Another one of my persuasive emails:

 

"You've got me thinking now! :-) So while I do the thinking, you are welcome to come back and have another or even more good looks around, both inside and out. We have nothing to hide, and what you see is what you get. If it comes to a deal, we may have to talk about the size of the deposit and the type of contract, which ought to be unconditional, since I would not be able to make any plans myself unless the contract with you was ironclad. Your offer of helping with transport and manpower is very kind. The thought of packing up and moving is very daunting, and any help would be appreciated. Anyway, while I do more thinking, you are free to do more inspecting :-)"

 

Which prompted his same-day reply:

 

"Good evening Peter. Would it be ok for Jake and I to come out tomorrow and have a walk around? Happy to walk around on our own so you don't need to worry about accommodating us. Was thinking around 11 am?"

(He keeps forgetting to solve the ever-present I/me quandary by removing the additional noun to see if the sentence still makes sense. "Would it be ok for ____ I to come out tomorrow ..." makes no sense, does it? But nor does it make sense to correct him, which is how I keep losing friends. Losing friends is one thing; losing a prospective buyer quite another.)

 

Keep him hooked! And so I replied:

 

"Great minds think alike! :-) I was just about to email you to say that we'll be in the warm-water pool tomorrow morning, after which I'll see someone in the Bay and Padma has a doctor's appointment in Moruya, but if you and Jake wanted to come out to "Riverbend" for another inspection, you'd be most welcome to visit any time and walk around and make yourselves at home, as it were. Why, you could even make yourselves useful by picking up any sticks and broken branches and putting them into the fireplaces :-) The main gate will be closed but not locked, just clipped shut with a carabiner hook. Let yourselves in, walk all over the place, talk to the birds (or the trees), sit on the jetty (you should find some fresh oysters on the big concrete drum, if my verandah handyman left any after his last visit), take in the scenery, whatever. Take your time, listen to the silence and watch the fish jump. Even though we only briefly met I trust you and Jake, so please repay my trust by not breaking anything and leaving everything as you found it (except for the sticks and broken branches :-), and close the gate behind you when you leave. You can also leave your business card in the mail box, so we know you were here and also know where to find you in case something is missing and I have to get the police onto you - just kidding! - but you can leave your business card in the mail box all the same. I hope it'll be a nice sunny day for you. Talk to you soon."

 

Does this make me a real smarmy real estate salesman? Time will tell!

 

 

Maybe we'll stay here until the CITRONELLA runs out

 

 

Responses to my real estate advertisement have been few and far between, but Monday's inquiry quickly turned into yesterday's inspection, which was followed up within hours by this email:

 

"Dear Peter, Thankyou very much for opening up your lovely home for my son and I [sic] to wander around with you and get a feel for what would be a very relaxed, comfortable lifestyle. Seeing the lovely birdlife with the gorgeous trees and the river is something truly amazing and I'm looking forward to taking the next step with you by offering you an amount that is within my budget but also respective [sic] of your expectations. I would dearly like to offer you 2million nine hundred and eighty thousand dollars. I would pay a deposit of 0ne hundred thousand dollar's [sic] on signing of contracts and negotiate a timeline that suits you for settlement (allowing you plenty of time to relocate) of between 6 and 12 months."

 

They were nice people and it took a while to think it over - after all, this may be the best offer I'll ever receive - but then I sent them this reply:

 

"Hello Tony,

it was really nice meeting you and Jake today, as it is always wonderful to meet people who respond so positively to these beautiful surroundings, and to think that such like-minded people may one day take over from us the stewardship of this very special place - perhaps even for another thirty-three years. Even though we have now been here for what seems like a lifetime, I often still pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming when I look across the misty river in the morning or wake up from an afternoon nap on the sunlit verandah. As a migrant who came to Australia more than sixty years ago without a penny, I still count my blessings every day for having been allowed to come and prosper in this wonderful country, and I still believe that anyone who was born here, won first prize in the lottery of life.

But back to the sordid subject of money: I am really sorry you did not fully understand when I wrote in my first email that "the eventual selling price - which is negotiable - starts with the land value of $2,880,000 (already several years old), with the balance determined by the perceived value of the two-storey brick residence and a host of improvements, giving it a likely total of $3 million-plus". Prices are not set in stone but they are heavily influenced by comparisons to other similar properties, and while there are no direct comparisons available for "Riverbend", I take my guidance from a) the last vacant block in the lane, a mere 1500 sqm, which the owner would not let go for less than a million dollars, and b) Number 5, which you already know and which is a very simple house. It's a mere 1500 sqm of land (with neighbours on either side eyeballing you, and Number 3 a potential AirBnB with three dwellings on it) and is on offer at $1.6 million - and that only because its owner in Victoria is no longer able to travel and also seems to have become a little desperate, since he originally started at $1.9 million. With Riverbend's much bigger and more substantial house - not to mention all the other improvements - and vastly more land, I would like to think that our property would be worth twice the $1.6 million that's now being asked for Number 5, and still be a bargain. (I don't even want to draw a comparison with "the Punt Master's House", which, frankly, for what it is and where it is and the possible burden of heritage protection, is well overpriced.)

I don't mind telling you that of the few inquiries we do receive, there was one several months ago from the local owner of OHANA POOLS who made me almost the exact same offer as you just did - for which, incidentally, I thank you - which I considered carefully but ultimately rejected, as to sell at just a tiny fraction above land value seems too much of a give-away. Of course, it could be argued, since I have now received two almost identical offers, that this is what the market is prepared to pay, but since I am not in a desperate hurry (but talk to me again in twelve months' time! :-) and moreover, since all the other properties I was once interested in have long since sold, and all the new ones that I might now be interested in have vastly bigger price tags, I prefer to hold out for a little longer and see what and who turns up.

I would like to think that if and when you do buy something else in the neighbourhood, we could become friends as I really enjoyed your and Jake's company - to say nothing of the dogs :-) - and that you won't be offended by this refusal of your kind offer. I also discussed this with my wife who was shopping at BUNNINGS while I was showing you over the place. I had asked her to buy a one-litre bottle of citronella oil for my kerosene lanteens inside "Melbourne" (remember "Melbourne" aka Bonniedoon? :-) Instead, she brought back a whole four-litre bottle - see the photo above - which should last me for a very long time, which makes me think that she, too, is prepared to stay here for a little longer. :-)

With kind regards and a pat for the dogs
Peter"

 

Maybe we'll stay here until the CITRONELLA runs out.

 

It's five o'clock somewhere

 

 

It's a bit of a grey day at "Riverbend" and feel a bit under the weather. What better way to snap out of it than to turn up the volume and play "It's five o'clock somewhere". Which reminds me: the old clock on the mantelpiece still needs a new battery.

 

 

We won't be going back into town until next Wednesday when I'Il pick up a pack of batteries from GO-LO. Until then, I might as well put a new time on the face of the no-longer-ticking clock and a new smile on my face.

 

 

After all, it's always five o'clock somewhere, right?